What's Stephen Hawking Really Thinking?

“Called the iBrain, this simple-looking contraption is part of an experiment that aims to allow Dr. [Stephen] Hawking — long paralyzed by…Lou Gehrig’s disease — to communicate by merely thinking.”
- New York Times, April 2, 2012; “A Little Device That’s Trying to Read Your Thoughts”
“Stephen Hawking may have an impeccable understanding of space-time, but his comedic timing is pretty good too.”
- L.A. Times, April 6, 2012; “Stephen Hawking Works His Comedic Chops on ‘The Big Bang Theory’”


8:15am: This iBrain gizmo is pretty cool, but why does it keep trying to sell me new thoughts for 99 cents?
9:04am: I swear, if my lab assistant calls me ‘smartypants’ one more time…
9:15am: Another spot-on horoscope. Capricorns all the way!
10:22am: Every time I tune in to cable news, I’m reminded of the rarity of intelligent life.
10:37am: Ugh, another BBC interview. And don’t you love how the reporter is nodding, like she understands quasars?
10:40am: How to solve the Euro crisis? I’m a genius, not a magician.
11:16am: I really wish people would stop starting sentences with “Theoretically…”
12:10pm: How long does it take to get a burger in this joint? Would’ve been faster with my George Foreman grill…or my secret Time Accelerator.
12:11pm: Speaking of time, is San Fran three hours ahead of New York, or behind? I always get it mixed up.
12:32pm: Wish more people would “Like” my theorem about gravitational singularities.
1:15pm: Let’s see what the mailman brought…well whoopee, my 50th honorary degree. Honestly, they’re beginning to seem like credit card offers.
1:17pm: Yay! Another royalty check for A Brief History of Time. Still, it’s a shame my Twilight fan fiction never took off.
1:30pm: How is it possible that someone’s invented a tiny gadget that interprets complex human brainwaves, but still airlines lose our luggage?
1:32pm: Aliens definitely exist somewhere in the universe. For instance, on this public bus.
1:35pm: SUV just cut us off. I swear, that driver’s brain is the size of the Higgs-boson.
1:55pm: Five minutes till keynote. Wonder if I should open with the black hole joke.
2:02pm: …glad I went with the G-rated version.
2:15pm: You’re losing ’em, Stephen! Remember what the publicist said: dumb it down, dumb it down.
2:17pm: Oh, no. I’ve gone too far. Did I really just use the word ‘Kardashian’?
2:20pm: Speaking of heavenly bodies, check out the co-ed in row 3.
2:31pm: Phew, they’re applauding. For a minute there, I was really worried that the curly-haired 22-year-old econ major playing Angry Birds would detect a flaw in my new theory of thermal emission in subatomic particles.
3:10pm: The pop-a-wheelie joke: never fails.
3:20pm: James Earl Jones, now he has a voice.
3:25pm: And now for the big question of the universe: how many retweets did I get?
3:35pm: Forget being an Honorary Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts. Look at this email inviting me to pay $19.95 to be included in a Who’s Who book!
4:25pm: It’s almost 4:30, and I still don’t know the mind of god. Focus, Stephen!
4:27pm: Alright, got it.
5:14pm: If I get carpal tunnel again from typing, that would really seal the deal.
5:51pm: We are alone in a vast uncaring universe. Not only that, but why does the laundry machine always eat my socks?
6:15pm: S=3(a)/4hg (c’mon, you didn’t think you’d understand all my thoughts, did you?)
6:24pm: Why did I order regular fries? Should’ve ordered sweet potato fries. What I wouldn’t give for a time machine…
6:30pm: Why is it that every time I tell a cute cocktail waitress about the Big Bang she takes it the wrong way?
6:45pm: Wait…my thoughts are being published on a blog?
6:46pm: Phew, at least they’re on a blog no one reads.
9:35pm: I hope no one barges in while I stare at this jpeg of a naked quasar.
9:37pm: With iBrain, I need to think before I think.
10:00pm: Now if only I could come up with a single unified theory of how I can turn on my TV without using three separate remotes…
10:06pm: Three-minute commercial break during Smash. Enough time for a breakthrough.
10:07pm: Einstein had it wrong. It’s pronounced “tom-ah-to.”